.:: * don't click here, fool ::.

How funny would it be...?

2006-09-04T11:48:00.000+08:00

If Google decided to use your PC microphone to listen to what you were doing in your home or work and then tailor advertising messages to that information? About as funny as Hitler giving you a massage with a machete. This is absolute bollocks. Advertising sucks, and I should know. I write the rubbish all day long and then try to scrub myself clean at the end of every week.

In other news, Josh goes for a run. To...erm.. the pub. But a run nonetheless.

Some kinda famous pt.2

2006-08-08T15:44:00.000+08:00

Bloody hell, the world just can't get enough of the me. So hot right now.

Stereotypes

2006-08-04T11:48:00.000+08:00

Crazy Cat Ladies ahoy!

"The Crazy Cat Ladies Society & Gentlemen's Auxiliary uses humor to counter the stereotypes made about people who love cats. By claiming the phrase "crazy cat lady" on our own terms, we take away its power to offend, and have a lot of fun while doing so!"

Erm...no. You just sound like crazy animal freaks who are proud of your stupid craziness.

Heath

2006-08-03T10:26:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... nup. Not seeing it.

Oh, for what could have been.

Planes, Trains & Trains

2006-07-27T10:01:00.000+08:00

Goddamn it, that walk makes me tired. I can smell the orange from here.

I Bereave I Can Fly

2006-07-27T09:55:00.000+08:00

That's it. I'm gonna start up a condolence card company for smart asses.

Kiddies

2006-07-27T09:10:00.000+08:00

Some happy snaps for yo brain. It's like having your own kids, but without having to change their nappies n' stuff. Lucky you.

Catfight

2006-07-27T09:06:00.000+08:00

There's nothing I like more than an advertising bitch slap. Except when I'm involved. Witness the dirty, smelly, gossipy underbelly of Perth's local rag and weep.

Train

2006-07-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

I spend around about 2 hours a day on public transport going to and from my job in the city. I walk to a bus, I bus to a train, I train to a bus, I walk to my job. A lot of people freak out about the germs and the freaks on public transport, but nothing's killed me yet. I touch the poles and then bite my nails. I piss in the urinal at the train station and eat KFC with my bare hands. Sometimes I pick up discarded newspapers off the floor of the trains and read them. Sometimes I think we worry too much about what our environment is supposedly trying to do to damage us and not enough time worrying about what we're doing to our environment.

Slowly but surely, I'm starting to get back into cheap digital photography.

GZA

2006-07-26T23:15:00.000+08:00

GZA/DJ Muggs
Metro City
Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Nerd Talk Pt. 2

2006-07-23T00:13:00.000+08:00

While I'm on the topic of all things 80s, check out this list of the Top Ten Strangest He-Man Masters of the Universe Figures Ever at X-E. Goddammit, what were they on?

Nerd Talk

2006-07-22T22:49:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... first Transformers, now this craziness enters my brain. All CGI Ninja Turtles? I don't know, I love the little guys, and anything that brings them back into my world (especially now I've got my own kids' brains to warp and teach how to build cute little brain-mashing nunchaku out of pine wood and Gaffa tape) has to be a good thing. And I love what the 2003 series of animated Ninja Turtles' cartoons did with Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman obviously getting a lot more control over the material than the dodgy days of the early 90's (apparently Mirage Studios now owns 1/3 of the animated TV rights). The other day I got out a couple of the new animated DVDs of the show to see how it was all kicking along, and was overjoyed to see that my favourite volume of the original TMNT comics (the one where the gang get accidentally teleported off to battle the Triceratons and the Federation in space) was now in living, breathing animated colour. Very cool stuff.

There's a lot of promising in the press releases that the tone of the new film (simply titled TMNT) will be as gritty and realistic as the original stories, which would be awesome, but the poster of Michaelangelo featured here scares the bejebus out of me. I haven't had a chance to catch the trailer on the Apple site yet, but apparently there's a bit of slapstick at the end of that sucker as well. ~~Guess I'll have to hold off opinion on this one for now~~. Now seen the HD trailer and it kicks five kinds of ass. This will be amazing!

In the meantime, you can check out the original two issues of the boys from the official TMNT website here and here. It's worth noting at this stage the huge boost that the original Ninja Turtles' comic strip gave to the independant comic industry in the mid-80s, in much the same way than Reservoir Dogs wrought an entire indie film industry a few years later. Combine that with the grunge explosion, and it seems to me that my generation pretty much became of age during one of the biggest independent entertainment explosions of the past 20 years. And what have we done with it? Exploded into a bazillion tiny internet startups and become swallowed into one of the biggest corporate takeover events in history. The revolution was incredible. Unfortunately, it was also incredibly short-lived.

Again with the Kong...

2006-07-22T22:23:00.000+08:00

Anyone looking to get Josh some damn cool DVD-related goodness could do a lot worse than forking out for a deluxe expanded edition of King Kong this November. Mmmm...

Oh, Americana

2006-07-22T21:32:00.000+08:00

Even though I'm only 26, I can feel my childhood dreams of burning through the hot deserts of outback USA in a fireapple red convertible with a trunk full of a multicoloured assortment of uppers, downers... well, you know the rest, slowly fading away into parent-y oblivion. This is an alarming thought, but not as alarming as the kind of crazy shit that actually goes on in this godforsaken part of the world, such as the bizarro-universe world of Metropolis, Illinois - the self-proclaimed "home" of..erm...Superman. I stumbled across a great article on this insane pocket of redneck-ania the other day while searching for an answer to the question that has plagued the world's deepest thinkers since time immemorial - would a robot outlast Superman in a one-on-one smackdown? Unfortunately, I was too intrigued by this town's vast collection of Superman-related crap and insane "super celebrity" shenanigans to remember the original purpose of my visit, and left the internet a poorer man for it.

In other news, some Japanese gimp has built himself a robotic doppelgänger, supposedly to communicate to his students via long-distance remote control. Unfortunately, the sick mechanical fetishes of the Japanese are well documented, leading me to one conclusion - this poor, pathetic man wants to have sex with himself. Not only that, but he wants his mechanical twin to be endowed with the powers of "blinking and fidgeting in its seat, moving its foot up and down restlessly, its shoulders rising gently as though it were breathing." Ooh, that's hot.

Some kinda fanclub

2006-07-19T22:38:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... looks like I'm becoming some kinda famous. Aaah... myspace... how I don't understand you.

DJ Shadow

2006-07-18T20:56:00.000+08:00

I had a chat to DJ Shadow the other night, feeling pretty happy with the interview...enjoy peoples....

DJ Shadow July 2006

“I think that I’ve always tried to carry myself quite humbly, and not talk a lot of shit, and (I’ve realised that) it makes people assume that they can take your kindness for weakness. And I’ve basically come out more recently and said; ‘I’m not taking this shit anymore’. I know where I stand and I know where I fit in. And I know who I’m better than.” It’s enough to make any respectable mid-90s stoner choke on their homemade Coke bong.

Anyone who has fallen asunder to the mighty blow of Davis’ gorgeously choreographed ode to late night beat digging, ‘Midnight In A Perfect World’, would find it hard to reconcile this sumptuous, piano-led ramble with the newly militant stance of one of hip hop’s most enigmatic characters. But, in hearing Davis explain his tale of arrogant, fly-by-night ‘supporters’, uncaring record companies and unreconciled artistic urges, it’s hard not to feel a twinge of sympathy.

Shadow’s first single ‘3 Freaks’, released in the US under new label Universal, the first from his forthcoming album The Outsider, has prompted an minor outcry and sense of confusion from the same Endtrocuing fans who scratched their heads at his sophmore LP, The Private Press’s more esoteric pop moments. Featuring the raw, energetic talents of original ‘hyphy’ rapper Keak Da Sneak and Turf Talk (“two of the best rappers in the Bay Area”, says Davis), ‘3 Freaks’ marks, to Davis’ delight and obvious bemusement, “the first time I’ve had radio play in my whole life. And it wasn’t on a rock station, it was on a rap station.” Nonetheless, “It’d be different if I was getting support from the people who supposedly liked and were into what I did (with Entroducing and The Private Press), but I soon realised that the ‘hyphy’ community was much more into what I was doing than the so-called demographics that were supposedly into what I do. So, it just showed me that it was a good track, and that I really just needed to pursue what I wanted to do and not be worried about what fans from a decade ago were going to think.”

For those getting lost in translation, ‘hyphy’ refers to a hip hop movement in the San Francisco, Bay Area. Similar to ‘crunk’ in the South, ‘hyphy’ has evolved from the word ‘hyper’, ‘super hyper’, ‘hyper fly’ to describe a basic state of music and drug-induced mayhem. Spontaneous block party and high energy, inebriated dancing have become a hallmark of the movement, bringing to mind images of New York’s legendary street parties of the late 70s and early 80s. It’s a scene Davis says he has “listened to almost exclusively for three years”, and one which has obviously reinvigorated his taste for producing. “After Private Press came out I was on tour for a year, took 3 months off, just to kind of recollect myself and take stock of what I had been through,” he states. “And one thing I realised was that I was not able to put together a new album at that point, because people would always be tempted to compare what I do, if I did that, to Endtroducing. And I also realised that I’m a completely different person to that time; as the years go by you mature and you change, and I didn’t identify with the process or that particular kind of music any more. And besides, I like contemporary music, despite what some people might think, and I wanted to make music that contributed to what I was into now.”

Which is not say that he has completely abandoned the dusty-fingered, obsessive vinyl archaeology that so completely defined the era of Endtroducing; as Davis states frankly, “I love to buy records. Buying records, or digging, or whatever you want to call it, is a part of who I am and I’ve been doing it most of my life. I don’t see myself stopping anytime soon. But I would agree, to a certain extent, that you don’t really make contemporary music if you only sample. Because it’s just not what contemporary music sounds like.” There’s a long pause as he tries to articulate meaning from this seismic statement. “Now having said that, right now you’ve got a lot of retro sounds in hip hop coming from people like Lupe Fiasco, where the beats sound like they could have been made back in 1992, so, I mean…” There’s another pause, and you can feel the awesome weight that a decade of being crowned undisputed champion of the vinyl culture has wrought. He sighs deeply, before admitting, “Look, I don’t have any big statement on what other people should do. I just know where I’m at, and I want to do whatever I need to make a good song. And I’m really not concerned with whether digging is down, out, up, down, y’know. I do what I do, and I don’t tend to do it with people, or go to (record) dealers who are really high profile. It’s just a part of what I am, but it’s something that I prefer to do with a small group of people that I’ve known for years and years. And people that I know are really into music, and not into… like…” There’s another sigh, but this time it’s touched with a hint of good humour. “Okay, let’s just say there’s a lot of really irritating aspects of beat digging culture that I won’t bore you with right now.”

2005 saw the deluxe reissue of Endtroducing. What was it like revisiting that era of his life? “Ummm, well, I mean…” Davis trails off. “Okay, Universal wanted to do the reissue, but I said that if they wanted to do it, I wanted to be involved, to do it right. So I wrote the liner notes and gathered all the extra stuff, which was hard, because it’s not like with an album from the ‘70s or whatever where there are lots of studio takes and bits and pieces. Y’know, I tend to plan what I do pretty carefully before I record, so there wasn’t a lot of leftover material. But going back through my tapes, and pulling bits out to re-release, it was…” Yet another pause. “Okay, I was really young when it came out, and I’d already been working on it for a long time. It’s got great stuff on it. But the type of music that I’m making, and have been making for a couple of years now, I feel like that deserves a wider audience. I know that the record I’m making is good and deserves a chance to reach more people than just the same audience that bought my last two records. I think more people might enjoy this new record.”

Advertising 101

2006-07-18T09:06:00.000+08:00

Don't believe the hype. Advertising is a piece of piss.

"hey, i've got a neat idea! there's this movie, kill bill, right?"

"i'm not following you"

"let's rip it off and spend millions of dollars on a washed up actress and watch her boobs while she goes all kill bill and shit."

"wha?"

"no, seriously. it'll be the coolest."

The world is fucked and I'm a cunt

2006-07-03T14:25:00.000+08:00

I know that when I was a little kid, I would stop and stare at a homeless person in the street. I would instinctively know that a hairy, dirty, broken man lying on a bench wasn’t normal behaviour. I know I used to do this because I see kids doing it every day in the city. They don’t know that they’re supposed to pretend that the guy isn’t lying there in ratty, matted clothes. They don’t know that by looking at him, they’re acknowledging that he exists in the world, and that he’s just another guy that nobody wants to help, or talk to, or look at. Nobody needs that kind of shit in their life. What if I ask him how he’s doing and he starts yelling at me? What if he’s really, really angry, and he starts going crazy and biting me and kicking me and making other people look at me? Then I’ll be just like him. People will think that I’m Involved With Him. I’m part of his disgusting, sad, lonely life. Maybe I’m his social worker, or his friend, or an old work colleague.
Or what if he has some kind of mental problem? I wouldn’t know how to respond to that. Jesus, even when there’s a retard in McDonalds, I feel like I can’t look anywhere but down. Even if I look just to left of him, it’s like I’m intentionally staring at him out of the corner of my eye. Even though he’s a retard, he’s probably got some kind of retard superpower, like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, that lets him read minds or see 180 degrees. I don’t need that kind of paranoia in my psyche.
Even if he doesn’t have a mental problem, he’s obviously got something wrong with him socially. People don’t just become homeless overnight and stay pure, like a hooker with a heart of gold. They degenerate slowly, badly, cut off all their friends and family, and fall into a dark pit they can never crawl out of. Probably. I don’t actually know anyone personally who was homeless for any length of time.
I read a story in the Australian newspaper on the weekend about a 62 year old woman who is internationally renowned as an Opera singer. She caught a bus to the Nathan campus of Griffith University on March 6, 2006, to take up a prestigious position at one of the faculties. She wanted to catch the bus straight to the faculty, but the bus driver was going another way so dropped her off at the brand new interchange terminal where 450 buses stop every day. There were literally thousands of students running through that terminal each day, so there’d be no problem if she needed advice on which bus to catch.
Unfortunately, a short time after sitting on the shiny new metal bench, she became overcome with nausea. She tried to stand but couldn’t, so she lay on the bench and tried to stay conscious. After a short time she began vomiting. She was paralysed and confused. She struggled to move her head so that she wasn’t lying in her own vomit. She had no idea what was going on. She heard hundreds of people walking past, talking and laughing. She tried to move her head. Six hours went by. She was finally assisted by four Japanese students who had come to Australia on a 5-week English language course. When she was finally ambulanced to a hospital, it was revealed that she had suffered a stroke which would have killed her without her belated assistance.
The woman was Delmae Burton. She was Aboriginal, so most people probably assumed she was drunk. The director of the Gumurri Centre, where Barton was about to take up a job as Aboriginal elder in residence, was inundated with sympathetic emails when the story broke. Ironically, in one email from the US the story appeared to have been completely mangled so that Burton had collapsed in a Japanese bus station, where the ‘xenophobic’ Japanese had left her to die for 6 hours.
In Sydney this February, police broke into 5 separate homes to find 5 different elderly residents who had died in their homes and been left undiscovered for up to 7 months. One neighbour in a Surry Hills flat called police after noticing that their elderly neighbour’s door had been left ajar for a few days. When police arrived, they concluded that the 61-year-old occupant had been dead for much longer than the open door would suggest. Their theory was that intruders had broken into the flat then, on discovered the decomposed skeleton lying in the bed, had been spooked and beat a hasty retreat, leaving the door ajar.
What the hell is going on? When I was in uni, I used to have a lot of spare time on my hands. Sometimes I’d wander around the Hay Street mall in the morning, chatting to the homeless guys who used to sit on the tables outside Piccadilly McDonalds (it’s an accessories shop now, probably because of all the homeless guys sitting at the tables all day). A few times I’d buy them a Maccas meal, whatever I was having. One Aboriginal guy told me once that he’d been driven up from somewhere in the North all night. He had had an argument with his wife, and she’d picked up a knife and started stabbing at him with it. As the guy (who was pretty drunk) was demonstrating the stabbing movements to me, another guy stopped to asked me if I was alright. They thought the Aboriginal guy was trying to stab me for real. I bought him a bacon and egg muffin, we ate together and I told him to take it easy.
I’ve got more money than ever before in my life right now and I have no time for these people. If I walk at all, it’s to walk to JB Hifi to look at CDs and crap to stick on my PSP. The other day I walked into our brand new Borders and bought a $25 book on the rebellious streak of American filmmakers in the late 90s. It was the first book I’d paid full price for in about the last 10 years.
Perth is a funny place. There’s no entertainment to distract you (especially since all the buskers have been moved out), and the social problems are too obnoxious and scary. So you just keep moving, looking straight ahead, slightly downwards, and keep a beeline for the nearest shop. I’m trying to work out why I don’t help, and why I don’t interact with people in my environment. I know I want to, but I feel embarrassed, stupid, and occasionally scared. I rarely don’t feel guilty. Is this what everyone around me is doing? We’re all looking nervously around at each other, hoping the next person won’t make a scene, or look different to us, or try to talk to us, or ask us for help?

Aerogel

2006-06-24T22:53:00.000+08:00

If you polymerise a silicon alkoxide with water in any household solvent (ethanol works fine, but cheap Mexican beer would probably work at a pinch), you’ll quickly find yourself in the possession of a sticky gel commonly called alcogel. If you were to then dry the gel and extract the liquid from it, you’d end up with a solid known as xerogel. This is bad. What you really want is to supercritically dry that mutha, so that you extract the liquid from the gel without the gel collapsing in on itself. Once you’ve supercritically dried your alcogel, you can vent the remaining solvent off as gas. All that’s left at this stage is a silica stuffed with tiny nanopores stuffed with air, a solid that’s 99% of the volume of the original alcogel but weighs nothing. This substance is called aerogel, and it’s completely fucking cool.
You can put a blowtorch on one side of a chunk of aerogel and you won’t feel heat on the other side. It’s almost completely transparent, except for a smoky blue haze that gives it the complexion of a frozen ghost. This is some seriously cool shit.

Wow....

2006-04-11T08:58:00.000+08:00

I never realised DJ Jazzy Jeff was a producer on 'The Simpsons Sing The Blues'. The things you learn, huh?

Freedom is dumb...

2006-04-04T19:04:00.000+08:00

I wish we were in the land of the free. That'd be kewl...

From Slashdot...
"The Sydney Morning Herald newspaper, reporting on a legislative change last week, says 'the [Australian] Government will have 12 months to access communications not only between the B-party and the suspect, but also between the B-party and anyone else. If you have unwittingly communicated with a suspect (and thereby become a B-party), the Government may be able to monitor all your conversations with family members, friends, work colleagues, your lawyer and your doctor.' The Australian Parliament's major parties combined to pass an amendment to the Telecommunications (Interception) Amendment Act 1979."

Am I cool yet?

2006-04-04T11:02:00.000+08:00

Just blew 100 bucks on these shirts. Virtual spending isn't as much fun as real spending, but the rewards seem so much cooler.

Evil Josh!

2006-04-04T10:57:00.000+08:00

Inverted my picture thingy. Now I am EVIL JOSH!!! Bwahahahahahahaha rabbitonatoothpick etc etc...

Crazy Suits

2006-04-04T10:50:00.000+08:00

Today I get this in my inbox from some crazy account service person...

"Attached is a classical DM letter from the states. This just gives you an idea of the hygiene factors a DM letter needs to address."

Hygiene factors? These nutty bastards are so lost in their rhetoric they're just using random words at will!

UPDATED!!
Score 1 for the little guy! Got this reply just then...

"sorry, bullshit bingo. meant 'the stuff you need to put in'."

Still a little confused about the meaning of 'bullshit bingo'. Brings to mind a bunch of fat, beer-swilling men in singlets hangin' with the grannies at Friday Night Bowls.

What the...?

2006-03-21T17:26:00.000+08:00

Check the date and location of this post on Amazon.com. Surely this guy had bigger things on his mind than an Offspring review?

Just as good as "Ignition" & "Smash", September 13, 2001
Reviewer: Sean McDonald (Long Island, New York)
How can you not like the offspring? These guys basically introduced me to the punk sound ever since I listened to "Smash" I knew I was hooked. When you put this CD in your CD Player, Discman etc. make sure to strap in your seatbealt, because you are in for one hell of a ride. From "The meaning of life" all the way to "Change the world" I can't bring myself to skip one track, I've owned this one since 1997 and I'm still kickin it loud to this day.

Whatever you say I am...

2006-03-21T17:19:00.000+08:00

Just came across this brilliant piece of prose on Wired's archives. Really made me think about what a miserable cynic I am, and that my cynicism is actually just a cunning disguise for my complete lack of opinions.

Aaah... that was freeing. Tomorrow's post: Josh drinks some kind of juice.

Reality Bites

2006-03-21T12:40:00.000+08:00

Me and Rikki have been told to redesign every brochure in the country for a prominent national bank. Its amazing how much more ‘real’ jobs feel when they’re for a bank.

Dribble

2006-03-21T12:39:00.000+08:00

Today I heard two kids on the train seriously debating the merits of constitutional change and its effects on the Australian psyche. Seriously, this guy and chick were like 14, tops. Sample snippet of conversation: “See, the constitution’s still relevant today. Even though it was written back in 1975, very little has changed in the ways of governor-general powers… there’s quite a lot of flaws, however, which need to be addressed.” “How interesting. What do you propose?” Seriously, they were actually using much bigger words but I can’t remember them. A pink-headscarf-wearing bimbo in a flowery green dress could do nothing but stare at them with a blank look and dribble of saliva hanging delicately from her empty porcelain head.

Life is a beautiful thing.

Word Of The Day: Coulrophobia

2006-03-17T10:45:00.000+08:00

In which I attempt to produce a series of increasingly-inaccurately-titled 'Words Of The Day'.

COULROPHOBIA is defined by worldwidewords.org (gotta love these online repositories of 'popular knowledge') as An irrational fear of clowns.

For more information on sadistic clowns and their sick, fucked-up brethren, you can consult another outstanding example of critical popular brain mass, Wikipedia. Fun for the whole family.

In case you're wondering what inspired this deranged search into the origins of clown-fear, it was the track John Wayne Gacy, Jr. on Sufjan Stevens' bewildering American parable, Illinois. This is an album that I've been meaning to digest for months and months now, but the powers of office broadband and the wonders of bittorrent conspired to bring it to me in all its wonderment and glory. A great, great album that reminds me of The Polyphonic Spree and Badly Drawn Boy dry-humping to Brian Wilson's Smile.

Now I've gotta find me a way into the world of Michigan.

Oh, dude...

2006-03-16T13:19:00.000+08:00

This is so not cool.

Jizzzz....

2006-03-16T12:47:00.000+08:00

"Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It's the only way to live
In cars."

So many incredible memories originate from the front seat (and a few in the back seat) of my old Toyota Corolla. Burning down to the 24 hour deli at 1 in the morning tryin' to satisfy a mean jerky fetish, rain and shit and freezing wind blasting in through the holes where my windows used to be (before some punk smashed them all in), driving to Mandurah from Pinjarra at 6 in the morning trying to beat the bus that would drive me all the way into the City for my first (incredibly crappy) job, experiencing all the joys of illicit making out outside the front door of my various roommates. I love cars.

And when John Lasseter's involved? Holy goddamn jesus on a crucifix...

Viewer feedback...

2006-03-15T10:52:00.000+08:00

D.Forrestal, of Melbourne, Australia, has submitted this tidbit....

"Subject: Tard For Your Blog

I want credit...."

More power to you, brother. Fight the power!

Rikki doesn't get it...

2006-03-15T09:20:00.000+08:00

...but this is the funniest fucking thing I have ever seen in my life. My ass was hurting I was laughing so much. Thanks to the ergonomic design of my spectacular relatively new office chair, however, I didn't fall to the floor laffing. Phew.

Favourite news quote of the day...

2006-03-14T09:43:00.000+08:00

"The original Emcee was going to be the fantastic Ann Richards… but at the last minute Ann had to pull out due to basically having throat cancer. Which sucks unholy amounts of ass."
-Aintitcoolnews.com

Stoopid Google

2006-03-14T09:41:00.000+08:00

Support Brad Pitt
Get behind your favourite athlete. Send Text, Picture or Video message
HeroMessage.telstra.com

WTF?

The new me

2006-03-09T17:56:00.000+08:00

Yay! A new identity piccy I drew a couple of minutes ago. Say hi me!

Funny cos it's true

2006-03-08T11:08:00.000+08:00

"Bjork couldn’t be here tonight, she was trying on her Oscar dress and was shot by Dick Cheney.”
-Jon Stewart, speaking at The Oscars.

Dirty Napkin

2006-03-08T10:12:00.000+08:00

This morning was as hot as a muthafucka. I got off the train and headed straight to Maccas in Forrest Chase for some bacon and egg action. In front of me was this ancient guy who must have been at least 70, all hunched over like a king turtle. He was trying to pay for his muffin with a bank book, which was a pretty depressing sight. Needless to say, the chick behind the counter wanted nothing more than to make him disappear. Eventually he moved aside and I ordered a sausage and egg muffin, hash brown and a cappacino. I was holding the $3 this old guy needed in my pocket the whole time. While I was waiting for my stuff I went over to him because he was still aimlessly wandering around the front of the restuarant. He didn't seem crazy or anything, just slightly bewildered at this crazy new world that had sprung up around him while he was minding the potatoes. I asked him if he was alright and he said yes, and tried to explain the bank book situation to me.

I asked him if he needed any cash (but not as though I was about to give any to him) and he said no, he had plenty of cash, and waved his bank book at me as if to explain. I knew that giving him the money would just confuse him more, but he wasn't going away. When I asked him how he could pay for his breakfast he said there was no problem, they're just taking a while to cook it for him.

Then the chick came up with my meal, and I was running out of time to do something. A couple of teenagers started to order their meal. I asked her I could have sugar in the coffee, and she said it was already in the bag. What I realised later was that she had physically poured the sugar into the coffee herself, which was kind of spooky. Maybe it was a staff coffee that had been left lying around. I opened the bag to try and pass the time, and I saw the napkin she had put in there was stained with some kind of manky, dark brown shit. I didn't know what it was, but it had obviously been there for a long time. I was paralysed now, it was too early in the morning for this crap.

I had two $1 coins and two 50 cent coins in my hand as all this was going on, but I couldn't bring myself to give the old guy a muffin. He was standing right against the counter now, and I felt like shit. I had a vague plan to pass the chick the money and whisper something like, "Look, I don't mind buying this guy's muffin," but I just didn't do it. I played the whole scene over and over in my head, fingering the three bucks in my pocket, then I turned around and left. Even that fucking disgusting napkin wasn't enough to make me turn my head.

Hmmmm...

2006-03-08T09:36:00.000+08:00

You know how you get together with all your drunken idiot friends and say, 'Woah, how cool would it be to film the entire Simpsons intro with ourselves as the lead actors and stuff?"

Then your stoner idiot friend is all "Yeah, that would be sweet dude, let's get to it."

Then you all drink a little more until you all pass out and forget that were gonna do it that night.

Well never mind that, cos some nutter's already done it.

Hahaha hammer.

2006-03-07T19:15:00.000+08:00

You best believe MC Hammer has himself a goddamned blog. And it's pretty damn funny too.

Check this out if you don't believe me. I especially like the random line "My dark chocolate skin and my bold jaw line complimented my broad nose and my full lips."

I really can't work out if this for real or not. On the one hand, there's pictures and audio and everything. But on the other hand, shit like that line above keeps popping up. Thoughts? Feelings? Disturbing or otherwise?

Today's conumdrum...

2006-03-07T18:18:00.000+08:00

Ghost of Christmas Past or Ghost of Christmas Future?

Rikki says future but that's cos she doesn't realise all her Christmas future involves is heartache and getting old and having her left leg amputated from the diabetes. No, I think I'll just stick to the ol' Christmas past, where Leggo was the shit and Star Wars was always forthcoming.

Stupid World

2006-03-07T18:14:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I get so bewildered by the incredible amount of effort it takes to even get a tiny proportion of the work I do through to finished artwork that I begin to wonder if I've accidentally stumbled into a space/time vortex whereby I'm now an accountant of some kind. That would explain the constant blank stares and gormless expressions when I email any writing through.

In other news, my new favourite word is gormless.

You know what I hate?

2006-03-07T15:16:00.000+08:00

Innocently typing 'leprosy' into Google Image Search and getting this smily fellow. Gives me the heeby jeebys.

Oh, my life right now...

2006-03-02T17:36:00.000+08:00

So I've just come back to work after another half week of raising kids and rearranging my entire house. Not a lot of time left to blog. Doeth! Thankfully Rikki is keeping hers nice and busy for all your reading needs. I'm told my laptop will reappear in a week or so. Jesus wept.

In other news, what the hell is this bollocks? They're making me pay for my free entertainment now??? What's the world coming to??

Oh not having a laptop....

2006-02-21T12:23:00.000+08:00

...how I despise thee...

Yes, once again my stupid laptop has shit itself and I am left with no working computer. Sorry for the lack of updates, then. At the moment I'm typing this on Dale's mighty G5, and feeling very lost in his sterile room of white. Hopefully I should be up and running very soonish.

In the meantime, here's a pic I found of me back in the day (14 months, if I'm not mistaken). My taste in beer has improved since then. Rock on!

5 Second Film Guide

2006-02-17T00:11:00.000+08:00

Love movies, but can't be arsed with all that buying-a-ticket-and-sitting-on-a-hard-chair-with-dumb-friends malarky? Then visit your local Movie Spoiler Guide, guaranteed to ruin every plot twist and turn in graphic detail.

Great for blagging to your co-workers about all the new films you've supposedly seen when you were actually out eating lettuce in the lawn like a dog. A DOOOGG!!!

What the...?

2006-02-17T00:01:00.000+08:00

Seriously, what's the point of giving a blow-by-blow desciption of Eli "Cabin Fever" Roth's new ultra-gory flick Hostel to see if it's any good for the li'l 'uns? Just write: "Stay away. Stay the hell away."

Check it out if you don't believe me.

Favourite bits:
"DISCUSSION TOPICS - Torture, extreme depravity, traveling in foreign countries, dreams, ambitions, availability and use of marijuana in Amsterdam, availability of sex for money in Amsterdam. (Travelling???)"

"PROFANITY - 94 F-words, 20 sexual references, 23 scatological terms, 10 anatomical terms, 6 mild obscenities, 1 derogatory term for homosexuals, 1 religious profanity, 10 religious exclamations. (And 5 counts of copping a blowtorch to the face??)"

And of course... a message for the kids:

MESSAGE - Humans are capable of unspeakable things. (Doesn't have the same ring to it as 'slow and steady wins the race', but hey, what do I know?)

Oh, Saddam...

2006-02-14T23:17:00.000+08:00

Looks like Saddam has found a new way to 'occupy' his time (ho ho). Kirstie Alley was overrated as a spokesperson anyway.

Saddam in 'hunger strike' protest
Deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein has told a Baghdad court that he and his seven co-accused are on hunger strike in protest at their treatment. "We have been on a hunger strike for three days," Saddam Hussein declared as he appeared in the courtroom... Read more of this malarky...

Officially Funny

2006-02-14T23:13:00.000+08:00

Ah... the idiot train just keeps on a'coming...

Ummm...Offensive?

2006-02-14T22:44:00.000+08:00

I don't know whether this sort of thing should be encouraged amongst my tanned, black-haired, sporty breatheren, but I got a guilty cough of out it.

James & Rikki, youse'll love this. God, how I hate you all.

Those Darn Cartoons...

2006-02-14T01:21:00.000+08:00

Oh how they won't die. Especially now every man and his dog is posting copies of all the 'offensive' images on their blogs. God bless the internet.

Finally! Some Common Sense!

2006-02-14T00:32:00.000+08:00

At last someone has constructed a sensible, sober argument against the Today Tonight-style media arsehols who run the public opinion in this country. This is exactly the sort of shit I could see me getting caught up in if I was in any way involved in the exportation of one of Australia's primary resources. The faux shock and horror of this otherwise laidback, lazy-as-a-dog's-bollocks country makes me sick.

Read it and weep, Mike Munroe!

In other news: Was anyone else laughing as hard as me at the blatant xenophobia and religious sabre-rattling of the non-entity backbencher Danna Vale tonight? What the hell??

So Unicorny...

2006-02-13T22:53:00.000+08:00

Casting a cursory eye over Rikki's list of terrifying childhood films made me think about the diabolical evilness that was The Last Unicorn. My memories of this are vaguer than, say, Return To Oz, The Dark Crystal or even Water Babies, but I do remember a fuckin' terrifying Red Bull and a talking Skeleton Man with flaming eyes. There was also a lead character with the lamest, most arsed-together name in the history of film: Schmendrick The Magician. Seriously, I'm not making this up.

It starred such luminaries as Jeff Bridges and Mia Farrow, so you know it's the goods*. You can grab a copy today (if I haven't already rented it) from the good folks at Planet Video.

*not a real promise.

If you're wondering why there's been no piccies of late...

2006-02-13T22:34:00.000+08:00

...It's because I can't get this bloody Blogger to upload pics for some reason. Is anyone else having this problem??

In other news: I received my first piece of comment spam today from a very nice chap from Anonymous, US. It read: " Great Book .. Live Your Life With A Little Daily Motivation.. Do we seek self empowerment Daily,weekly or yearly. I have been interested in working and self empowerment for years now. I am driven to success by the master teachers from the past. I really enjoy people like Wayne Dyer, Greg Vanden Berge and Tony Robbins. Im writing to this blog for selfish reasons, I want to see everyone live the life of their dreams. I am Living my life to the fullest and it is due to a book writen by Greg Vanden Berge . Master Goal Achiever and Author of Start Living Your Dreams Today.. A Great Book from the masters.. I hope you enjoy the book as much as I did.. "

Still tossing up whether or not to set the user verification system on for comments (it's hard enough getting you buggers to write anything as it is), or just sit back and see what other informative tidbits the nefarious comment spammers feel fit to spew in my direction. Watch this space... (Well, probably not this space, try the ones proceeding this post).

Holy Sweet Jehovah

2006-02-13T11:20:00.000+08:00

The future is now!!!!!

Ra-Ra-Rasputin

2006-02-13T11:10:00.000+08:00

Just finished writing up my interview with the lovely Liz Mitchell from seminal 70s disco-trash outfit Boney M. A very interesting subject, crammed lovingly in 4,000 characters or thereabouts...

BONEY M: Liz Mitchell

The voice, heart and soul of ‘70s disco sensation Boney M, Liz Mitchell, is heading to Perth once again to bring her message of hope and good times to the masses. I had a chance to chat about touring, legal strife and malevolent Russian monks.

The story of Boney M began as a simple pop story and ended in a betrayal of greed, money and lies. In 1976, the German-based producer and composer Frank Farian had written what he was sure to be a new hit single, ‘Baby Do You Wanna Bump?’ The only problem was, he had no group to sell it. Pulling together a rag-tag bunch of four West Indian session singers; Maizie Williams, Bobby Farrell, Marcia Barrett and a young Liz Mitchell, he proceeded to create the Euro-disco behemoth known to the world as Boney M.

The only problem was, the band didn’t technically exist. In 1993, Farian finally revealed that the afro-ed Farrell had, in fact, never sung a note on record (Farian himself had performed all male vocal duties). Worse, neither had Williams or Barrett – Liz Mitchell had, in her words, “(sung) the first voice, the second voice and the third voice. One person, that had spent three months of her life standing in a recording studio next to a microphone, recording and making the music of Boney M. Y’know, as was Michael Jackson, as was Elton John…as was anyone else, where we appreciate that one person has gone out and made this music for us. Unfortunately… this was all kept top secret.”

Of course, Farian had, by this stage, become well accustomed to such shenanigans, having recently seen his newest marketing creation, Milli Vanilli, stripped of their 1990 Grammy Awards for Best New Artist when it was revealed that neither of them could actually, erm, sing. But for Mitchell, the path to artistic respectability (not to mention commercial survival, the band’s meagre earnings having been split four ways since the initial contracts were signed) was a long and hard road. “Basically I had to start touring in the 90s, because I realised that the record company who owns the Boney M material was not going to do it for me. As far as they were concerned, I should just stay quiet. And Bobby and Maisie were obviously very happy to keep the secret. And this was a problem for me, because everybody knew my voice, but nobody knew my face. I was just part of this act. And it’s taken me this long to get where I am today.”

As she speaks in her soft, London-bred Jamaican accent, however, you realise that what initially has passed for bitterness and anger is simply a statement of the facts, as they happened, without the gnawing resentment that has gone on to cripple artists in the past. Now in her early 50s, Mitchell has experienced a career renaissance that has seen her travel the world, spreading the gospel of good times that she helped write and record almost 30 years previous. “I believe I have (found a purpose),” she states simply. “I always say that God works in mysterious ways, and it’s true. Because I worked so hard to get my face out on stage, I travelled the world, and I learnt so much. I’ve met with audiences from Russia who are sure that the Boney M music started with Russia. And I’ve done the same thing in Germany, in England, everywhere we travel the people are so sure that this is their music. It’s inspiring, that everywhere I go now, people respond with positivity. It says something to me, it speaks to my heart. And I’m very glad.”

Indeed, she now credits her live touring (and subsequent solo albums, which she has been steadily releasing now over the last decade) with giving her back “her power”, and the pleasure she had experienced from fans the world over receiving her voice. Having experienced severe depression at one point, and finding new salvation through her Christian upbringing, has given her a unique insight into happiness and what defines success as an artist.

“My life is not just for me to seek absolute fulfilment and be comfortable. Yes, I am glad that I have had a blessed life already, but I have a big desire to make a difference in people’s lives, still. Especially here in England, and in Africa, I’m working to feed child in need, and giving children a chance to get back in touch with their identity. This has become a huge thing for me, and I hope that it will go on to become to be a huge part of my future.” She pauses. “I think that silver lining on the horizon is something that we all need to look forward to in our lives. Positive thinking, y’know, erasing the negative.”

This Chick Is My New Hero

2006-02-13T11:05:00.000+08:00

Oh Nancy Jo, will you never learn?

Read her imaginary White House adventures here.

Big Daze Out Part 3

2006-02-13T11:03:00.000+08:00

Proper Big Day Out wrap-up is coming. Chill people.

Ricky Gervais + Simpsons = Happy Me

2006-02-10T23:00:00.000+08:00

From Ricky Gervais.com:

"These are the first glimpses of how Ricky will look in the forthcoming episode of The Simpsons entitled 'Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife', written by Ricky himself.

These images are from the storyboard that is used by the animators to guide the making of the finished show. Obviously, they're not the finished drawings.

No UK transmission dates are available as yet, but we'll keep you posted."

4 Real

2006-02-10T21:43:00.000+08:00

Just finished reading a really interesting article on "authenticity, performance, and rock music" over at Enculturation. In particular, a little bit of background on the bizarre incident involving the Manic Street Preachers' Richey Edwards and horrible self-mutilation was much appreciated.

Check it out here...

And this...

2006-02-10T21:40:00.000+08:00

When life gives you lemons, suck on them. Seriously, lemons taste awesome.
-wertperch
www.everything2.com

Sign O' The Times

2006-02-10T21:34:00.000+08:00

This from the stream-of-consciousness miasma that is everything2.com.....

"One of my IRC friends died and I don't know how to feel
(idea) by Ksennin (1.7 y) (print)
Wed Oct 02 2002 at 2:36:57

Jim Stanfield was 16 years old. On September 30, 2002, he turned in front of an 18-wheeler and collided with it. He was taken to the hospital and died today, October 1, 2002.

I can deal with my emotions. I always could until now. Now I can't even tell if I'm having one. I talked with this person almost daily over IRC. I knew his hobbies and his sarcastic sense of humor. We wouldn't recognize each other if we passed on the street. I can neither treat his death as I would the death of someone I knew in "real life" nor ignore it.

So now, I don't know how I feel. I don't even know what I should feel. I am left with a null state--the complete absence of emotion. At least, nothing directly created by Jim's death. I'm worried that someone I knew could die and barely affect me at all.

We are separated by geography. We only knew each other as minds. If he ever spoke of me while not on the internet, it was as an "internet friend." I did the same. Does that mean that "internet friends" die, I don't have to mourn them in "real life"?

I haven't been here long. I haven't heard of a popular noder dying since I joined. A lot of you have, and you've had to deal with the same emotion I'm feeling (or not feeling?) right now. How does the internet culture deal with this? There's no correct answer; the conditions for such an event haven't been around long enough for a tradition to be established."

Good lord...

2006-02-08T11:05:00.000+08:00

This is hideous. For the forseeable future, these 'funky' flamingos will be my new secret identity. Pink Flamingo Man!

Oh wow.... Dark Crystal 2!!!

2006-02-08T00:33:00.000+08:00

Big news from the land of the Skeksis...

"Award-winning animation director Genndy Tartakovsky, who created the hit series "Star Wars: The Clone Wars," "Samurai Jack" and "Dexter's Laboratory," will direct "Power of the Dark Crystal," the much anticipated sequel to The Jim Henson Company's 1982 classic fantasy film. The announcement was made today by Lisa Henson, co-CEO of The Jim Henson Company and a producer on the film...."

You can read all about this madness here.

What is this bollocks?

2006-02-07T20:50:00.000+08:00

Honestly, religious nutters have way too much time on their hands these days. Just do as I do and pull the piss out of all your best friends. As the old saying goes, if you love something, make it cry.

That's why I can believe in Jesus Christ but still laugh when he bends over to pick up the soap.

Autoerotic

2006-02-07T13:24:00.000+08:00

How bloody addictive are autobiographies? I’ve positively chewed my way through Anthony Keidis and Sharon Osbourne’s, and now I can’t walk past a bookstore without checking out at least one other one. Next on the list has to be Bob Dylan’s Chronicles, but I’m trying to get Craig to lend me that one and I won’t see him until Saturday, when we have a Fremantle Dockers TV shoot.

In other news, Josh has a TV shoot this Saturday for the Fremantle Dockers.

Baby update…

2006-02-07T13:23:00.000+08:00

So… how goes life with three kids, I hear you ask? Pretty damn good, all things considered.

Noah started Kindy last week, 2 hours on Wednesday, then 3 hours yesterday, then half a day twice a week. I was feeling pretty weirded about how the whole thing, I can remember bits and pieces from when I was at Kindy (especially the day Father Christmas rocked up on a huge red fire truck), and it was pretty surreal to have to package my kid up to the same place. The biggest thing that freaked me out was how much I don’t know about all the stuff that I assumed my Mum knew growing up, like what to pack in his Kindy bag, what to say to his teachers, all that sort of crap.

Then when he got there on the first day, he insisted on playing dress ups with all the girl’s sparkly dresses while everybody else’s kids played with the trucks and the play-doh. So I’m just like, whatever. Have fun, monkey man.

Mia is doing her usual cute routine around the house, although it seems like a pretty small space to be having half the fun she appears to be having. Charli just eats and sleeps, eats and sleeps.

Her life is completely sweet. She farts and eats, screams for boobs, then gets a cheer every time she burps. It’s like the ultimate guy’s fantasy, but packaged in a tiny, uncomprehending form. Ah, such is life.

I’m currently filming every second of her life, cos I never really got that much footage of Noah or Mia when they were little. Now that this is definitely the last one, I’m thinking that it’ll all be over soon and I’ll have to look at other people’s babies for my mini-fix.

And now for something completely different...

2006-02-07T12:47:00.000+08:00

In the past couple of days I've become an obsessive madman for the many articles at The Register. So many hundreds of articles, but here's a few particularly enlightening ones...

"How the music biz can live forever, get even richer, and be loved"
Why iTunes will inevitably fail and much more good common sense...

Digital memories: we can forget them for you wholesale!
Is anybody actually planning to store the gigabytes of photographs, journals and articles we throw out into the world wide web?

Our kids deserve better than a Google™ future
"We're awash with information, but more hasn't proved to be better. What we have is a typical tragedy of the commons, a space that more closely resembles a toxic wasteland."

Google – the only archive we'll ever need?
Only if you're wearing Google-goggles...

Big Daze Part 2

2006-02-07T12:44:00.000+08:00

Thankyou Dan for that viewer feedback. We hope you continue to enjoy your time here, and hope you'll keep watching the show.

Okay, so I still haven't come any closer to finding a big fat broadband pipe, so I'll just have to start uploading stuff on my painfully slow Dialup. Yawn. The following bit of text is my 'official' review of the Boiler Room for X-Press, very much unedited and missing huge chunks of the day where my partner in crime, Eddie, is going to fill in the bits where I was passed out and drooling. Read on, young ones....

"For anyone who experienced the horrors of last year’s 8pm Boiler Room lockout and subsequent fence-jumping shenanigans, the move to a much broader (if open-air) area was much appreciated. However, it seemed that I was not the only punter to have completely ignored the official Big Day Out map – after years of normality, one tends to get complacent with these things – and many were still to be seen, late in the day, wandering aimlessly around the rebranded Cruizin’ Alley in a bewildered daze. That said, the new Boiler Room layout was pretty kickass in a ‘mini-Belvoir’ kind of way.

1.15pm was a little early for a band as popular as The Presets to properly strut their stuff, and the mean bastard that is the Perth summer sun didn’t help matters much. With a peculiarly vintage electro-rock sound – think Depeche Mode, Cabaret Voltaire – the double act of Kim Moyes and Julian Hamilton craft a deliciously dark atmosphere that wouldn’t have been out of place on the more ‘rock’ stages. Material from their debut LP Beams was tested and received with open arms from the sweating crowd, a release that looks to set to do big things in the next few months.

After a pumping set from Hard NRG guru John Ferris – practically impossible to really jump to without the use of intravenous fluids in the sun – it was time for the good Frenchman Pascal Arbez, aka Vitalic to take the stage, now positively glowing from it’s unique backlit setup. There had been a lot of recent press about the ascent of Arbez through the techno ranks, to the point of many labelling him the faltering genre’s saviour, and many seemed curious to see what all the fuss was about. With luminaries from Aphex Twin to 2 Many DJs giving his tracks a spin over the past few years, there was no shortage of material from his catalogue, with tracks from his recent OK Cowboy album receiving a thorough thrashing from the appreciative punters.

Maya Arulpragasam, aka the 28-year-old M.I.A, is one of those artists seemingly custom-built to divide opinion and create her own path. With opinion ranging from saviour to pariah, she has latched onto the burgeoning mash-up electro scene in America and the UK and truly made it something her own. And hey, when you’re the daughter of a Tamil revolutionary, you’re gonna be pretty comfortable ruffling a few feathers. With a sparse, thumping set consisting of nothing more than her own raw, tribal tones, her DJ and unbelievably sexy backup singer Miss Cherry, M.I.A stormed her way through impromptu mixes of The Eurythmics’ Sweet Dreams, Baby Got Back, Take Me Out and the monstrous Galang, still her biggest hit to date. Well wicked.

From here it was a quick detour to check out The Go! Team, a dance band in all but name. Coming straight from M.I.A into what basically amounted to a live sample-based rock band, it was easy to see that big things are starting to seed from the crossover UK dance community. It would seem that our very own Avalanches have wrought some major trends on the international stage.

Over the deafening roar of The White Stripes on the main stage, and Shihad on the Green Stage, it was time for Steven and David Dewaele to take the Boiler Room stage for the second time, after their earlier Soulwax incarnation. Considering the massive underground following the brothers have built through their 2 Many DJs As Heard On Radio Soulwax bootlegs, it seemed a little unusual that they’ve become so well known for their Soulwax work exclusively, but their set tonight proved that what sounds good on CD-R doesn’t always translate well to stage. The trouble with 2 Many DJs is that they’re basically a side project for the duo to experiment with cool mash ups and the like, and as such they haven’t really appeared to have developed a cohesive set for a crowd to latch onto. Some awesome tunes made it into the mix for a big finale, but too many build-ups and odd shows of prowess made for a somewhat anti-climatic ending.

Still, how cool was that huge glowing stage screen? Worth the price of admission, methinks."

Big Daze Out

2006-02-06T17:46:00.000+08:00

Well, it's 5.50pm the day after the big day before, and I. am. absolutely. stuffed. Seriously, I'm getting too old for this crap. Full highlight list, running commentary, interactive photo thingy and (hopefully) the review that I actually got paid to write all coming soon, but for now just be happy that I got yer this totally sweet panoramic view of the White Stripes mosh pit circa 9.55pm.
Background for nerds: This was taken as me and James headed out of the front of the mosh pit right the end of their set to catch the second half of 2 Many DJs set in the Boiler Room/Boiler Big Open Area With No Roof. I sat on the main stairs heading into the oval next to a vomiting teenager and leant the camera on a handy light pole to act as a tripod. The whole thing is constructed out of three separate shots at about 2.8 and a crazily low shutter speed (probably about 1/5 or lower methinks - I was a little seedy at the time). Very pretty and so forth. Make sure you check out the full size version at Flickr cos this took my poor modem about 5,000 hours to upload :)
More pics coming when I get to one of those big, fat, sexy broadband pipes!

Breaking News: Google Good...

2006-01-30T22:58:00.000+08:00

In what has to be the understatement of the decade, The Australian reports Yahoo chief financial officer Susan Decker as noting, "We don't think it's reasonable to assume we're going to gain a lot of share from Google."

Any talk of this being 'the beginning of the end' for competitive markets in the search engine market is absolute bollocks. Google rules, end of story. I can't believe that anyone would use anything else out for any reason other than out of general principle. And anyway, those people are probably sad Betamax owners who can't bring themselves to throw away that old Coleco computer. Wake up you zombie muppets!!

So very lazy...

2006-01-30T21:54:00.000+08:00

I know, I know, I've been slack updating this with witty new info, but in my defence in the past 4 days I have:

1) Watched my third child being ripped from my wife's womb
2) Become oddly obsessed with my online photo album at Flickr
3) Not been at work (which means no fast internet, which means uploading literally ANYTHING is a major drag)

Today I went into work to record 6 radio scripts. Technically, I was on annual leave, but I really didn't trust my babies in the hands of the insensitive oafs that pass for copywriters around these parts (my apologies to you, Mr Trimble). All 6 ads, I'm pleased to report, came up an absolute sextet of crackers, which I am very relieved about. As for my other babies, Mia is teething and acting like a right grump, Noah is being as cool as ever and Charli appears to have come over all comatose every time I peek at her. Kezzy is doing wonderfully under the circumstances and I'm so tired I can barely stand. Mum and bub come home tomorrow morning so fingers crossed I haven't burnt down any part of the house by then!

I also took the opportunity (while I was "at work") to upload as many older pics to Flickr as I could, and am now beginning the soul-destroying process of labelling and dating each one. You can view my slow, painful process here....

Hmmm... Some Kinda X-like File....

2006-01-28T23:36:00.000+08:00

Global warming? Hurrican Alfred? Try getting ATTACKED BY A FRIGGIN' 45 KILO GIANT KILLER OCTOPUS OF DEATH!! I tell ya, those oceans were made for not swimming in...

In other news, they spotted a 6m shark at my local beach last week not 100 metres from shore. One local resident (ie me) reported to be 'nervous'.

And the winner is....

2006-01-28T00:21:00.000+08:00

A beautiful little 7 pound 8 girl: Charlotte Emily Edge! Wow, look up 'wasted' in the dictionary and you'll find a huge pic of me snoring my head off - I'm so tired that I'm seeing stars right now. Be the first to check out the first round of uploaded pics over at Flickr! I'm off to get some shut-eye!!

Midnight Baby Blues

2006-01-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

It's midnight and I have to be up in 6 hours to drive Kiren to the hospital for her Ceasarean. So sleepy, so mildly grumpy, yet so unable to move off this couch.

Episode Ostraya: A New Hope

2006-01-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

So, the day before my third-born is due, we've finally managed to organise an Australia Day that was fun, relaxed, peaceful and really cool. The ever-fun-lovin' Mike organised a woodfired pizza 'n beer shinding at his parent's orgasmically cool house in the vast Eastern hills, and it was up to me, Kezzy, James and Netty to bring the noise (and the kids). I've posted plenty of pics up at my Flickr thingy, which you can view here, but rest assured anyone that wasn't there missed a really cool little get-together. Big ups to Neil for single-handedly raising my first born in the sub-zero temperatures of Mike's mum's pool.

In other news, the Hottest 100 is in...really not sure about Bernard Fanning at number one. I smell vote-rejiggering afoot. Had 'My Doorbell' pegged as number one, with 'Feel Good Inc' a close second. What is this Ben Lee business all about? Madness!!

1 Wish You Well - Bernard Fanning
2 Catch My Disease - Ben Lee
3 Feel Good Inc - Gorillaz
4 Best Of You - Foo Fighters
5 Dare - Gorillaz
6 Mind's Eye - Wolfmother
7 My Doorbell - White Stripes
8 O Yeah - End Of Fashion
9 Joker & The Thief - Wolfmother
10 Do You Want To - Franz Ferdinand

...wanna see the rest of the list?

OSTRAAYAA!!!

2006-01-26T22:23:00.000+08:00

The story of my bygone Australia Days has a long and convoluted history, but most of them seem to have revolved around James, Netty, Kezzy and alcohol (not always in that order). The first time we made a big deal out of this madness was our first year out of high school, when we were all young, fresh, and ready to cause mayhem on an awesome scale. We all headed up to Perth in Kezzy's crappy Stanza, which promptly proceeded to run out of petrol on the northern freeway. A few hours and one friendly yuppie in a convertible later, we were back on the road and well on our way to destroying South Perth foreshore. From the time of our arrival at the site the facts begin to grow a little hazy, but this much is clear: me and Netty ran off to grab a rug of some kind from the car. On our way to the car we proceeded to get horribly, terribly lost, and spent some time pondering our predicament and wondering where in the hell we were.
We decided to do what any other well-meaning yokels would do in such a situation, and started walking aimlessly around the local suburbs, yelling at random strangers and generally striking fear into the hearts of the local populace. Eventually, we did manage to find our way back to the foreshore, but had no idea where the others were hiding amongst the 50 million revellers gathered on the grass. Resigned to our fate, we perched on the edge of the water and watched the fireworks by ourselves.
At last our collective intelligence formulated a fool-proof plan - we would bang on the door of a random house, ring Kezzy on her mobile, and get back to where we belonged. Unfortunately, the first door we knocked on was jam-packed with middle-aged swingers seemingly hell-bent on getting the two us down to our underpants and into their dodgy spa. I did, however, manage to score a free Carlton Cold (my first ever, in fact), and use of their phone.
And the rest, they say, is history. The majority of the rest of that night was spent watching bad infomercials on Andrew's dodgy projector TV and waiting for my brand new $250 Nike shoes to get stolen from outside the front door.
Stupid country...makes me so mad...etc etc

Vitamins and Minerals...

2006-01-23T09:04:00.000+08:00

So Noah had to fill this shopping trolley with his favourite foods, and right in front he pastes this giant picture of various pills. *Sigh*, I can feel Child Welfare's acrid breath on my neck even as I type this.

Enter The Mouse House

2006-01-22T21:02:00.000+08:00

So, just as the end was nigh for Pixar's long-awaited break from those grubby moneymen at Disney (and the expected release of even more twisted, unique animation from one of the greatest mainstream production studios ever), it looks like Steve Jobs has sold out the boys and girls with the official buyout of Pixar by the Mouse House. Hopefully this will not result in the direct-to-DVD versions of Nemo 4: The Guppy That Could and endless crappy Toy Story TV Spinoffs (oh wait, that already happened).
I think the moral of this story is that no matter how much you work to build something built on artistic integrity and creativity, some big lug will sackfuls of money will always knock you down in the end.

Flickr Me

2006-01-21T23:01:00.000+08:00

Aahhhh... watching The Simpsons commentary on DVD at 11.20pm on a Saturday night. So very hard to concentrate on writing anything here. So I'll just mention my new photo album thingy at Flickr that I'm gradually, slowly, painfully putting together. Hopefully in a couple of weeks there'll be heaps of fantastic memories splashed all over the screen. Possibly.

Funny Cos It's True

2006-01-19T09:37:00.000+08:00

What? Oh come on, it is.

Worst. Covers. Ever.

2006-01-19T09:26:00.000+08:00

WORST 10 BEATLES COVERS
1. William Shatner - Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
2. Pinky and Perky - All My Loving
3. Will Young and Gareth Gates - The Long and Winding Road
4. Damon Hill - Drive My Car
5. Bananarama with French and Saunders - Help!
6. Jim Carrey - I Am the Walrus
7. Wet Wet Wet - With A Little Help From My Friends
8. Suggs - I'm Only Sleeping
9. PM Dawn - Norwegian Wood
10. Candy Flip - Strawberry Fields Forever
Source: Music Choice

Why You Shouldn't Listen To People

2006-01-18T23:04:00.000+08:00

It's incredible how much I listen to the advice and opinions of people who I have absolutely nothing in common with. This includes random human's opinion of me (such as the disparaging looks they throw me on the CAT or on the street). To illustrate my point, here's some disturbing Aussie facts, all prepared by David Dale for The Sydney Morning Herald recently...

The top selling albums of the past ten years
Based on charts since 1995 from the Australian Record Industry Association
1 Come On Over (Shania Twain)
2 Jagged Little Pill (Alanis Morissette)
3 Innocent Eyes (Delta Goodrem)
4 Savage Garden (Savage Garden)
5 Falling Into You (Celine Dion)
6 Abba Gold (Abba)
7 Immaculate Collection (Madonna)
8 Recurring Dream (Crowded House)
9 Come Away With Me (Norah Jones)
10 Forgiven Not Forgotten (The Corrs)

Incidentally, there's only two albums that were recorded and sold after 1996 that made the top 50 of 'most popular all-time albums' from Australian record buyers - Kylie's 'Fever' (2001) and Eminem's 'The Eminem Show' (2002). The only album for about a decade before that is Celine Dion's 'Falling Into You' (1996).

And if that's not enough to leave a sour taste in your mouth...

The all-time million sellers, according to ARIA accreditations
1. Bat Out of Hell (Meatloaf) 22 platinum
2. Whispering Jack (John Farnham) 17p
3. Come On Over (Shania Twain) 15p
4. Jagged Little Pill (Alanis Morissette) 14p
5. Innocent Eyes (Delta Goodrem) 14p

Things don't get that much better when it comes to movies, either...

The 100 highest grossing films in Australia as of Jan 2006
1. Titanic (1997) $58 million
2. Shrek 2 (2004) $50m
3. The Return of the King (2003) $49m
4. Crocodile Dundee (1986) $48m
5. Fellowship of the Ring (2001) $47m

And just for something completely different, a rundown on how our dear telly stations fared this past year...

Average TV audience in 2005 vs 2004
Nine: down from 559,500 to 535,900.
Top series: Sunday news, 60 Minutes, Backyard Blitz, The Super Nanny, Celebrity Overhaul.
Seven: up from 479,300 to 532,500.
Desperate Housewives, Lost, Dancing With The Stars, Border Security, Grey's Anatomy.
Ten: down from 467,000 to 438,400.
Big Brother, House, NCIS, The Simpsons.
ABC: down from 338,500 to 315,500.
Midsomer Murders, Blue Murder, News, New Tricks.
SBS: Up from 69,300 to 88,600.
Mythbusters, The Ashes.
All pay stations: Up from 310,500 to 372,000. Most watched stations: Fox8 (average audience 22,700); TV1 (19,900); Fox Sports (18,100); UKTV (15,200).

More Digi Life

2006-01-18T22:43:00.000+08:00

As promised, more gruesome pictures of digit carnage. Mia crying on the way to hospital, Mia's mashed pinky, waitin' in Emergency, and getting kitted out in my handsome lead vest. Boo-yah!
P.S. All these pics were taken with Kiren's very stylish new phone-camera thingy. Very schmick!

Left Wing Pinkos Suicide Crackdown

2006-01-18T12:09:00.000+08:00

"Ignorance is not bliss and people are not stupid, a point that the politicians who voted for this new law seem to have missed...the new Criminal Code Amendment...is set to change the Australian cultural landscape as we know it."
-Marshall Perron, ex-chief minister of the Northern Territory, writing in the Melbourne Age.

Okay, so it's full of hardcore commie rantings, and its views are occasionally mind-numbing in their illogicicity (see that? I just made a word, me), but thank god for the winos at Perth Indy Media for bringing issues like this one to light.

The Suicide Related Material Offences Act is a terrifying example of our shitty media in this state, which was too busy dealing with the fact that homosexuals are roaming our streets to notice that our federal government has just passed a law making it illegal to access any information about suicide options via phone, fax, email or internet. That means, in theory, that if you were click on this link, you could be up for penalties in the region of $75,000 or 2 years in jail. What is this bollocks? Sometimes people make me so frustrated I could scoop out my eyes and tie a carrot to my forehead.

Dope Fiends And Aliens

2006-01-18T09:33:00.000+08:00

"All my heroes were dope fiends. Keith Richards, Miles Davis, William Burroughs, Charlie Parker. The thing is, when you're kicking dope, Keith isn't there with a warm towel to press against your forehead."
-Jerry Stahl, speaking to Christopher Dreher.

So I finally got around to watching Permanent Midnight, the movie based on the book by American-sitcom-writer-turned-heroin-fiend Jerry Stahl. I'd heard about this movie months ago from a local Perth director, who'd mentioned this crazy film about the guy who wrote 'Alf'. And yes, Stahl did indeed write for 'Alf', as well as 'Northern Exposure', 'Twin Peaks', 'CSI' and, of all things, 'Bad Boys II'. Unfortunately, the story itself doesn't really touch on any of this experience, aside from a terrifying portrayal of Alf as the lurid green Mr Chompers (copyright restrictions obviously playing a big role here). Seriously, Mr Chompers is the most disturbing portrayal of kid's puppetering, and will give you nightmares for weeks. Unfortunately, the rest of the film isn't really that interesting, as a huge cast (Stiller, Owen Wilson, Elizabeth Hurley and Janeane Garofalo) sit idly by and waste their lives away on either being a junkie or watching someone else become a junkie. And it never got a DVD release, so you're stuck in shitty VHS-land. Oi'd give it a foive.

Digi Life

2006-01-18T09:07:00.000+08:00

It’s been a bad week for opposable digits in the Edge household. First Mia had her one-year-old pinky crushed in the flyscreen door by her brother, requiring a trip to Emergency (during which we managed to run out of petrol – requiring a leisurely jog to the station to purchase $5 worth of fuel, a jerry can and a large plastic nozzle) and a stint in front of the X-Ray machine of doom. I had to wear a trendy jersey made entirely of lead. I kid you not, Superman would be in big trouble if he tried to mess with me that night.
Then, on Friday night after work, I managed to slice a big slash right into my left thumb with a scalpel. Hurt like buggery and was still oozing 24 hours later. As I type this I’m wearing a huge gauze pad on it and three butterfly strips. Madness. They even gave me a goddamned Tetanus shot, curse their hides. More pics to come.

Smash Bang

2006-01-18T08:56:00.000+08:00

Don’t believe the hype: Crash is a fantastic movie. Seriously. All this talk of reinforcing racial stereotypes and transparent characterisation is a load of bullcrap. People can be simple. People can be incredibly nasty. People can be driven to point a gun at another human’s head – any human’s head – and sometimes all they need to pull the trigger is a little extra melanin. The world is messy and complicated but our brains are simple and finite. We don’t respond to complex problems with appropriately complex solutions. The scene where the little girl runs out the front of her house is the nearest I have come to crying in a hell of a long time. That’s a big deal for me. This is a messy, sprawling, movie that somehow seems refreshing naïve next to Magnolia or Traffic. I loved it so much, and this was the last DVD in a Sin City/Napoleon Dynamite/Crash triple viewing. Watch it in one sitting with the lights out, and don’t worry too much about the Sandra Bullock/Brendan Fraser pairing. Their vacuousness and pointlessness to the story actually serves as some kind of twisted analogy when it all comes to a head.

Mixtape Mojo

2006-01-18T08:55:00.000+08:00

SIDE A
1. Head Em Up: 2UP
2. My Heart Needs A Break: Linda Jones
3. Lungs Out: Uzi & Ari
4. Excerpt: Chris Whitley
5. I'm So Postmodern: The Bedroom Philosopher
6. Talk On Indolence: The Avett Brothers
7. The Smokey Turtle: Eyeball Skeleton
8. Open Sesame: Bitsream
9. Sunrise: The Originals

SIDE B
1.Hello: Bullfrog & Kid Koala
2. Pueblo Nuevo: Miguel 'Anga' Diaz
3. Wake Up and Smell The Millennium: Nobody
4. I (Andrew Bird): The Joe Beats Experiment
5. Walk In The Park: Oh No! Oh My!
6. Blame the English: The Lovekevins
7. Smile In A Wave (Theme From Jack Johnson): Screaming Headless Torsos
8. I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone: Paul Revere & The Raiders
9. Irene: Caetano Veloso
10. Elephant Parade: Jon Brion
11. I Touch Myself: Scala

Have you heard? They’ve invented these things called CDs. Yeah, still made out of plastic, like tapes, but hard and flat and shiny. You can’t pull out their innards and burn them and throw them on the road and make a fine mess. You can skip past any track you want, even though every second was put there for a reason. You can look at your own reflection for hours at a time. You can chuck it in any old player that happens to be lying around, press play, then chuck it on the pile for another year. Except that it gets scratched and you can never hear it again. CDs are the way of the future, baby.

Stupid blogger

2006-01-18T08:54:00.000+08:00

Hey, I'm back! This crazy site was running impossibly slow for a couple of days, and it refused to let me post anything. Damn world with its shenanigans.

Funny Fat Men

2006-01-13T14:45:00.000+08:00

How funny is Ricky Gervais? Just watched almost the entire first series of Extras in dodgy .avi-cam and am currently wading my way through his weekly series of podcasts courtesy of the mighty BBC.

Get onto it. At once.

Bands With Broke Members

2006-01-11T13:14:00.000+08:00

What is this bollocks, and why are they forcing it down my throat? Honestly, these post-modern-art-school 'rockers' with their lyrical pretensions and high-minded photographic sleeves. All this vomit about 'loving something so intensely' when it's obviously a busted-up old ratty book is rubbish. Throw it away I say.

In other news, you can check out Dan-about-some-kind-of-house-and-Fourth-Floor-Collapse's exciting new album release here.

I Yam What I Eat

2006-01-11T11:48:00.000+08:00

With my clinical calculative prowess I have determined that I would consume an average of 1 (one) can of soft drink a day (almost universally 'real' Coke, as in not that shitty brown Nutra-crap bollocks), either while at work or in a 2-litre variety in front of a DVD/game of cards/chess set at home.
As the delightfully bitchy Gillian McKeith informs me, this works out to 24 bags of sugar a year, or 6-7 teaspoons of the white, powdery goodness per day. Apparently, based on soft drink intake alone, I'm in danger of suffering from bloating, headaches, asthma, allergies, possible hyperactivity and poor concentration. Thankfully, I only suffer from the last two. Throw in my weekly beer intake and I've upped the health ante to about 1,000 calories per week. Then there's my fascination with processed meat, which apparently consists of bone, fat, gristle, gelatine, salt, sugar, starch, preservatives and additives. The good news there is that they can consist of up to 30% water, so at least I'm one step closer to my eight glasses a day.

This has to be bollocks. The fact that I stand here today is testament to the fact that an unhealthy diet and no exercise will never kill a 25 year old white male with red hair. By May I'll be 26, and possibly still alive. We await the results with baited breath.

Bigger Day Out

2006-01-09T13:46:00.000+08:00

So I've checked out this year's Big Day Out timetable, and my day tentatively looks like this:

11.45-12.30 The Presets (although given my recent history I'd be lucky to make it there this early)

12.30-1.20 Gerling (it'd be good to see what they've up to in the 2 years since I last saw them, but then I've heard lots of good things about Youth Group on the Green Stage)

1.20-2.00 Vitalic (good enough for Aphex Twin and 2 Many DJs = good enough for me)

2.00-3.00 Mudvayne/Anti Static (grab some metal for the long stretch ahead)

3.00-3.50 Wolfmother/Sleater-Kinney (probably more Sleater-Kinney, they're on a better/smaller stage and my brain will be too rattled for more Zeppelin stylee. Also sonicanimation, I could have sworn I did an interview with them last year when they said they were breaking up?)

3.50-4.45 Time of Rest (End Of Fashion + DJ Ajax + Hilltop Hoods= yawn)

4.30-5.30 Bloody hell! All day mucking around and then they put M.I.A and The Magic Numbers on at the same time!! Aaargghh!!

5.15-6.00 The Go! Team (expecting this to be my most fun act of the day. Will probably be horribly disappointed)

6.00-6.45 Sleepy time. Get some mouldy old chicken and a few limp chips.

6.45-7.45 Franz Ferdinand vs Soulwax? Too tough to call but probably mostly Franz.

7.45-8.45 IGGY POP & THE STOOGES!!!! w000t!!

8.45-Onwards The White Stripes are a dicey proposition (even though I've loved everything they've done) 'cos I'd need to get into the Boiler Room for 2 Many DJs' closing set. Last year the whole place was shut down by 8pm, but I still managed to charge my way through. Very nervous....

Still not sure if I'm supposed to be overwhelmed with the fact that the same two guys are doing a split Soulwax/2 Many DJs set or feeling a little ripped off. Surely they could've combined both acts into a 2 hour mega-set with elements of both in one huge mashup???

Great Snot

2006-01-09T12:14:00.000+08:00

Finally, professional photographers have renounced their devilish grip on incredibly expensive coffee-table books with the release of an unbelievably cool collection of pics at Flikr, courtesy of the incomparable Andy Rosen. London Punks 1976 -1984 is a suitably grimy selection of vomit and mascara, while Clash is the boys playing Christmas '79 to a measly 50 people. Print 'em out onto toilet paper and bind 'em with a safety pin.
That's what the ladies like.

Did It All For The Wookie

2006-01-09T12:07:00.000+08:00

Two of my all-time favourite Star Wars pics. Check out the inside of Chewbacca's mouth (if you can distract your eyes from Leia's padded breast for five minutes). Is that a prosthetic tongue in there?? Sure, there was a lot of close-up action with the 'Raaaarrrrhhh!'-ing and whatnot, but jesus in heaven. That's dedication.

Stupid Hair

2006-01-08T01:39:00.000+08:00

It's come to my attention that all of my oldest and dearest friends (bar one or two) have partaken in some kind of head-shaving ceremony on or near to New Years Eve. Having contemplated this drastic measure over the odd pint in earlier days, I think January may well be the month to stop faffing around and shave part of my scalp.
I am a little terrified to see what lies under hair that has literally never been cut shorter than a crew cut (and which, admittedly, did look bloody awful). Will keep you posted.

Stupid Sun

2006-01-08T01:30:00.000+08:00

I take back all those good things I ever said about the sun. After an absolutely incredible spell of awesome weather all Christmas long, the stupid sun has gone all Northern Territory on us and hit my skin with the full force of its 38 degree rays. Words can't describe the hatred I feel for the heat and all the stickiness and stinkiness that goes along with it. DAMN YOU DEVIL SUN!!!!!!
In other news, Noah has left the building and is staying with Nanna for the weekend. This house has never been so silent and its kinda freaking us out. Thankfully the roar of two pedestal fans, three roof fans and a bazillion-year-old air conditioner has managed to thus far drown out most of the quiet. Now we lay in wait for the inevitable power failure, and prepare to meet our maker.

Funny Bones

2006-01-08T01:14:00.000+08:00

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The barman asks him what he'd like to drink.
The skeleton replies, "I'll have a pint of bitter and a mop, thanks."

More hilarity (of sorts) at the official(ly butt-ugly) website of Ian Mclagan, piano and organ man for The Small Faces, Rolling Stones and a bunch of other great and semi-great mid '60s British bands.

Burn, Baby Burn

2006-01-04T11:02:00.000+08:00

"The sun is a mass of incandescent gas,
A gigantic nuclear furnace,
Where hydrogen is built into helium,
At a temperature of millions of degrees..."
-'Why Does The Sun Shine? (The Sun Is A Mass Of Incandescent Gas)'
They Might Be Giants, 1993

Best. Edutainment. Ever.
Check out the sun in (heavily delayed) real-time courtesy of those crazy cats at NASA.